Pure Lanes (A Skit)

by Blue_Notebook

Obnoxiously old and grumpy Daniel is currently shopping at a local mart when, while reaching for the fourth row above him, another local friend whose name’s David, came rushing about him with a Gollum smile etched on his face.

David: Came for a nicer nickin’?

Daniel: (to himself) Just the right timing to be on the wrong side of the aisle.

David: You know what? I’ve got you a help. With my big hands and tall spine, I can take that diaper on the top row. Without, of course, bloody damaging the lines of these pretty females called tampons at the second row. Pretty much obsessive on proper sequence nowadays.

Daniel: (Shrugs unbelievably) Get it over with, ya twat!

David: —Is much cleaner than yours. You’ve got a nanny? (reaches for the diaper)

Daniel: What’s a nanny for? I’m not a baby.

David: (Gives Daniel the diaper) Me neither. But we’re agin’! Got to have a woman or two to give us a swipin’ at dirty ol’ times.

Daniel: (walks with David to the counter) Are you seriously inciting talk about your defecations? (Shrugs)

David: There’s nothing wrong on that tad bit part.

Daniel: Everything about that “tad-bit” part is wrong. So what’s it now? We get old just to get strangers to pass the wipes down our buttocks?

David: At least it isn’t as horrible as your keeping them diapers up in your garden. Most teens thought that they are fruit bags. For why on the whole bloody earth must they end up on top of the trees? It ain’t Halloween yet but you’re kickin’ a whole horror party within your trousers at any moment from now.

Daniel: It’s comfy!

David: Is shit and pee stuck on your bottom comfy? What? Like vibrators and lubricants topped with cream most of the time?

Daniel: Have you ever heard of hygiene?

David: Why, yes of course I have. And you surely haven’t.

Daniel: I have!

David: Wrong! That’s not a supposition.

Daniel: Have you got hygiene?

David: Certainly I do! What kind of an old man, hardened by age, didn’t learn of proper hygiene?

Daniel: You.

David: What “you”?

Daniel: Look at those feet! Nails that hadn’t got a taste of good clippers! Dead skin frayed on all sides as if your feet are dressed! And what colour do you suppose to get now from the beaches? Darkly acidic? You’ll scare them cats off to death!

David: They actually like playing with my feet that’s why its skin look so scratched.

Daniel: Ohh! (disdainful) Bloody you! No wonder ya need a nanny like a five-year-old boy.

David: I’m not alone, though.

Daniel: Who said that I am?

David: No one?

Daniel: You better shut up before I cut you in your trousers! Now let’s get moving and shove ourselves to one of these counters.

(There are three counters in total. One line is for the normal people which are greatly stocked by lots of teens and moms buying food for their kids; the other is for the disabled which, as usual, contains only one customer and is never packed; the third is for senior citizens which are crammed full of old people. Both Daniel and David proceeded to the second counter and are second in line, waiting and listening to the young lady give the change to the young man in front of them. After that, is their chance.)

Daniel: Hello, young lady. Here are our purchases—

Lady: Oh, sorry, sir. I think you are in the wrong line.

Daniel: The wrong line? (looks at David who shrugged) Is there a right one?

Lady: For you, yes, there is. And it’s over there. (points at the longest line of old customers being served by an older guy at the counter who seems to be a bit odd)

David: He blind? A patient with dementia? Looks like he’s slower than me trying to find where my glass of wine is.

Daniel: You drink wine still?

David: Yes! Yes, I do.

Daniel: At your age?

David: Yes!

Daniel: At 88?

David: Yes! Absolutely!

Daniel: This man has got no fear or anything relating to death.

David: I actually do have one. And that is to die without being able to enjoy fucking death first. Aha! Aha! Aha!

Daniel: Argh! Your breath stinks of a stench too concise for my imaginings.

David: Alright, Sherlock. You’ve got me. But what’s it that fills my breath?

Daniel: Wouldn’t I know?

David: Come on! Don’t be so shy. We’re old now.

Daniel: To be honest it smells like an 88-year-old’s pee.

David: No! No! No! Remember the wine my wife brought me to our wedding?

Daniel: God forbid me but yes, I do.

David: That’s what got me into drinking the other night. And in honour of her memory, I decided to restrain myself from brushing my gums and gurgling it off of it.

Daniel: What have you done, David? That wine was spilt by me right at your chest in that petty honeymoon suite of yours.

David: Spilt? And why are you on my honeymoon?

Daniel: Spilt indeed. Now I do not know what it is that you gobbled up. In the case of the honeymoon, you invited me, remember?

Lady: Um…

David: Did I?

Daniel: Didn’t you? We’ve got promises to each other. That we get a taste of them partners of ours at the night of fertilization.

David: She ain’t fertilized. We ain’t got any baby crawling in our yard. (shrugs and threatens to cry)

Daniel: Oh, I’m so sorry about that.

Lady: Yeah. Um, can you please—

David: You’d better be! I’ve got no chance to give him kid a nice good ol’ spanking. If I had a child, it’ll grow up a soldier. A numb one. And I’m the trainer. A proud dad when his son comes back from a war, revelling at the sight of blood and gore–

Daniel: David! You haven’t changed!

Lady: Excuse me?

David and Daniel: Yes?

Lady: You need to go to that counter for seniors, please.

David: Are you shunning us old men off, ya ungrateful twat? I fought in the war for ya. You’ve got no idea how you could’ve not been here if not for us, the veterans.

Lady: I’m from Asia. And in case you do not know, you never fought any war with my mom’s mom who is also from here, in London.

David: You’ve got no respect for the old! (Looks at the crowd) This lady is being disrespectful to the old poor us. We just want her to let us through because I and my bro still have wives to be looking for. My dear Madeline! All alone in our cottage. Could she be dead now?

Lady: Alright! Alright, sir. Geez. What’s up with you guys? (Takes the bottles of wine, couple bags of chips, and lots of weiners)

Customers: Could you please just let them through?

Customer: Yeah! Aren’t you ashamed of your manners?

Customer: Had you not heard him? They’ve got wives at their homes, all old and not too cosy without their partners.

Lady: Okay! I’m already half-way through it. Here you go, gramps.

Daniel: Thank you. And our 50 per cent discount?

Lady: —Are already given to you. Enjoy your days.

Daniel: You’re welcome. (walks a few feet away from the cashier) The theatre club has paid off.

David: As it should, “Gramps”.

Daniel: For the betterment of our days, “Veteran”. Hahaha!

(Outside in the parking lot)

David: So, your boy’s still on diapers, eh?

Daniel: Yeah. He’s only three. Yours?

David: My girl’s already off just last week. And we’re planning to make another one again.

Daniel: The joy of being 25, eh?

David: The joy of being 23 for me.

Daniel: But before we part, what is it really that you happen to gobble up?

David: It’s quite a bit naughty to tell.

Daniel: Oh, come on now. Do tell.

David: I and Madeline are having sex before you called for me, asking for my company.

Daniel: What’s that have to do with (made gestures to his mouth)?

David: (looks around, hiding his embarrassment)  I’ve had my breakfast early. And the buffet is too open for me to decline.

Daniel: You ate—

David: Yeah. But you’re not a fan of it so, let’s just part shall we?

Daniel: Sure. Until next time.

David: (looks at Daniel with a smug face) Off I go to my buffet! (slams the door of his car and rushed off)

Daniel: It feels good to be divorced. (gets on his car and rushed off)

Both moved to their cars and removed their make-up and wigs as they drove away from the store, carrying with them a ton of groceries.

Author’s Note:

This is a short skit inspired by my own new fancy which concerns comedians such as David Walliams and Miranda Hart.